Woe is We
by Tamara Evans
Summary: One of Neville's potions blunders becomes a great plot bunny. Our surly Potions Master and witty Head Girl cannot be apart- literally. Stuck together and hating it...what ever will they do? Based on a WIKTT Challenge by arienastera.
1. Ouch

DISCLAIMER: Not. Mine. Based off of the WIKTT challenge by Arienastera. Challenge guidelines at bottom.

WOE IS WE

Chapter One: Ouch

Hermione smiled to herself. It was the day of her eighteenth birthday, and she couldn't care less that Snape was incessantly barking at the class of seven years she sat in the midst of. _Couldn't care less._ No, her mind was on other things- whether or not Ron and Harry would _get it right_ this year and buy her non-fiction texts of interesting origins rather than girlish trinkets- if her parents were planning a surprise in the owl post- if the rumors of the Gryffindors setting up their Head Girl a party really were true- if—

"…perhaps, would enlighten the class? Miss Granger? _Miss Granger?!"_ Snapped abruptly from her reverie, Hermione's gaze quickly focused on the angry Potions' Master in front of her.

"I'm sorry, sir, I missed the question," Hermione said weakly, much to the dismay of her Gryffindor classmates and the chagrin of the Slytherins.

"Then ten points from Gryffindor for your daydreaming. The answer, in case you were wondering, is that by leaving our Binding Potion over heat too long, it would come to a boil, at which point it will coagulate and be ruined. The properties of the mixture past that point take on any number of volatile variations," he said flippantly, stalking back to his desk. "You all have three minutes remaining to finish your class questions and bottle-up today's assignment," he added as an afterthought.

It was in that three minute limit that Hermione's fate was sealed. Inevitably, Neville had trouble with the questions- not only was he over the time limit as everyone was stoppering their vials of potion, but his exasperation caused him to make one horrid mistake. He threw his arms out, giving up dramatically on the final question.

_And promptly knocked over his cauldron_, turning the coagulated contents onto the floor, under the moving feet of Severus Snape. What followed would not only ruin Hermione's birthday, but taint her upcoming week. Attempting to grab hold of something to stop his fall, Snape reached out and found the upraised arm of Miss Granger, bring her down into the mess with him.

They crashed into a heap of limbs and sticky potion, Hermione yelping loudly as Snape let out a most inappropriate string of curses.

_"Evanesco!" _Snape yelled loudly, instantly clearing any botched potion from his and Hermione's bodies.

The shock in the classroom made everything seem deathly still, as the seventh years all held their breaths in anticipation of Snape's next move.

Neville was shaking, his hands still clenched over his mouth in horror.

"Get. Out." It was barely a whisper, but everyone immediately obeyed. The room was cleared within a minute, all cauldrons magically cleaned and removed, potion vials neatly in place on the rack, completed assignments in a tidy stack on his desk. As for Hermione…

She was inches from him, teeth gritted in pain as she rubbed her lower back. The fall had obviously been worse for her, bring ripped to the floor by a man twice her weight.

Severus rose slowly, helping her to her feet. She gratefully took the help, not yet meeting the Professor's eyes.

"Do you need to go to the infirmary?" He asked, voice devoid of inflection.

"Umm… I don't think…"

"Wonderful. Then leave."

Hermione did as she was told, gathering her books as her surly Professor cracked his back in a very uncharacteristic moment of human-like stretching. She reached the door, walking briskly as Snape walked towards his desk in a similar manner- and they both hit the floor in a similar manner, as well; supine, bewildered, and in pain. They were no more than five paces apart, and thus their heads were side-by-side.

"Professor?" Hermione asked, breaking the silence.

"What- is- it- Granger?" He croaked out breathlessly.

"I think Neville's potion-"

"I gathered… as much… Miss Granger."

"Should we-"

"Just, just… let me lie here… a bit longer…"

Hermione sighed, studying the cracks in the ceiling. "Yes, Professor."

Bound Challenge Guidelines

Due to an unfortunate mistake made in potions Hermione and Snape are magically bound and can't go more than a few feet from each other. _How will they ever learn to live together?_  
  
CHALLENGE REQUIREMENTS:  
Neville (or another 'dunderhead') makes a boo-boo in potions and the result is a magical bond between Hermione and Severus.  
They cannot go more than a few feet from each other. (max. 10 ft; min… 10 inches??) (…just had a really strange vision of them being actually fused together)  
They could _try_ to hide it from the rest of the school (how is beyond me) but that is up to you.  
A bet goes around about who will kill who first, or some such thing. All houses (and staff?) involved.  
This is preferably after the war (makes things so much less complicated)   
And what would a Severus/Hermione story be without smut?  
Hermione has to be of age (Preferably 18)OPTIONAL: (try to use as many as you can though!!)  
Someone asks Malfoy for his autograph and then says "Oh, they don't give you an award or _anything_ for being the biggest prick on the planet?" (I don't know why I've always wanted to hear that)  
H & S having a loud, very rude argument in very public place.  
Someone catches Goyle and/or Crabbe in a broom closet (or dark corner, or empty classroom, etc.) with Filch and/or Mrs. Norris (if you would prefer a female J )  
Hermione being a nagging mother to Snape (Eat your veggies! Tie your shoe before you trip! Don't run with pointy things!)  
A very drunk Neville hits on an equally drunk Trelawney/McGonagall  
"And the winner is……Crookshanks?" 


	2. Acclimated

**DISCLAIMER**: Not. Mine. Based off of the WIKTT challenge by Arienastera. Challenge guidelines at bottom of Chapter One.

**WOE IS WE**

**Chapter Two: Acclimated**

"Stop walking so fast!" Hermione said, out of breath due to her attempts to keep up with the fuming Potions Master. He had been practically dragging her by their 7-odd foot bond. What had been a potions accident had quickly turned into a catastrophe- classes were out for the day, but she had a party to attend. Hermione was becoming impatient with the mishap."Try to keep up, Miss Granger, unless I'm to discover that your tendency to excel does not extend into the athletic arena."

Though she knew he had just delivered a compliment in disguise, she was livid. "Pardon me... Professor," she said, winded and jogging to keep up, "but I don't think now... is the time to be... flinging insults."

Much to her surprise, he did not respond and instead slowed down slightly. She guessed that he was as winded as she was. Once at the Headmaster's office, Snape quietly mumbled the name of an innocuous sweet and dragged Hermione up the stairs. They found the bearded wizard facing the door with a tray of tea for three already prepared. He spoke first.

"Severus, Miss Granger, you look winded. Didn't take the floo?"

"Considering our current state," Snape said, gesturing to the empty space between himself and Hermione, "I didn't think it wise without first knowing the possible repercussions. I assume, sir, that you already know what's happened?"

"Yes, young Mister Longbottom had the foresight to let his Head of House know, and I was informed."

Dumbledore poured and served tea out of courteous habit, and motioned to the chairs in front of him. Snape went to sit down, and Hermione, who was only about four feet away, was pulled down with him.

"Ouch!" She yelped from her position on the floor, looking up angrily at Snape. Snape turned to the Headmaster and frowned.

"Albus, we could get a full five paces away from one another not twenty minutes ago. When we were heading here, it was shortened to about three paces. Now, it would seem that I am exuding pull on Miss Granger not two paces from her."

"Perhaps it's simply your animal magnetism, Severus," Dumbledore said, struggling not to smile. Hermione blanched at the idea- _and_ at the supposition that the distance between her an the git next to her could be decreasing.

"How do we fix this?" She piped up, finally righting herself onto her chair with no help from her Professor.

"I'm afraid, Miss Granger, that this is not an easy fix. As Professor Snape here already knows, the potion was compromised, and we have no way of knowing just how long these effects will last, or whether your 'bond' will stabilize, as it were. Unfortunately, this is something we will have to overcome with more _practical_ means."

"Practical means? What do you- I mean, this was an advanced potion meant to be a magical _adhesive_, for crying out loud! Surely there is a way to spell it away?"

"Sadly, you are right _again, _Granger. Magical adhesive; _permanent _magical adhesive, to be more precise. Unless we can reverse brew Longbottom's lovely mistake, there's no way I can find an antidote. Spell for a spell, potion for a potion- yes, there are exceptions, but the spells that one might use to reverse a bonding potion are effective on a correctly brewed potion, not a Longbottom Disaster. Only a potion will fix this, and _I don't have it_."

He emphasized the last few words very harshly, nodding his head in quick succession, making his hair move in even further to block his face. Hermione choked down a giggle at the thought of his resemblance to a bobbing pigeon. There was a long pause as all parties thought up solutions.

"Our clothes," Snape said suddenly, head snapping up. He stood up, again jerking Hermione to her feet and gaining an outraged curse from her, and repeated himself. "Our clothes, bloody hell, that's it."

"I'm sorry?" Hermione stopped glaring at him long enough to examine her clothes, realizing what her Professor meant. Her robes and skin still had clumps of the gooey, yellowish substance caked to them.

"The potion-"

Both Hermione and Snape pulled out their wands immediately, casting cleansing charms at themselves and on their robes. A minute later Dumbledore was checking them over.

"Is it all off?" Hermione asked, now about two and a half feet from Snape and likely to stay that far away. He looked up at her with an indecipherable look on his face and frowned, as though he had just made a regrettable decision.

"One way to find out," he said, taking off his cloak and unbuttoning his sleeves, trying to roll them up. "Check the spots where the potion was. You may have missed whatever was under your robes."

Dumbledore stood and smiled at the awkward situation. "Ah, well, seeing as how you may need to check other areas, I'll show you to the latrines."

Hermione blanched, sure by now that her face would never regain color, and Snape mumbled something about losing his job. Once in the restroom, they stood back to back as they finished cleaning the potion off of their skin. Hermione found some caked in her hair and on her abdomen, much to her chagrin. Getting her hair tame was no easy task and she would have a difficult time of washing it later tonight-

_Oh, dear Merlin._ She suddenly realized that she would have to be in this horrible, bitter man's vicinity all of the time. She put her robes back on and broke the heavy silence permeating the tension in the room.

"Professor?"

"What is it?" He snapped, quickly adding, "Are you decent yet, Miss Granger?"

"Yes, I am. Um, I was just wondering..." She turned to face him, noting that just one long stride would cover the distance between them. She began to step back as a reflex, but stopped suddenly when she remembered their predicament. Snape was looking at her as though she had spouted horns.

"Are you going to stand there like a deer caught in headlights, Granger, or are you going to finish your no doubt insignificant question?"

She flinched at his unwavering cruelty and blurted out what she had been dreading since the implications of this mistake dawned on her. "Where are we going to sleep?"

He paused and avoided her eyes, his endless trail of insults seeming to falter with the shocking question. "Well, I suppose my quarters will do, seeing as how having a Professor, and a_ Slytherin_ no less, walking into the Gryffindor common room accompanied by the Head Girl would raise some eyebrows," he finished by raising his own eyebrow, and looking at Hermione as though she were an unwanted growth.

"Right. Well, then," she paused, sighing. Snape stared at her and she stared back. Soon enough, his staring turned into glaring which developed into glowering and Hermione wondered how hard she'd have harry and Ron laughing if they knew-

"Oh no! Harry and Ron! I've got to get back to the common room!"

"I beg your pardon, Granger? I've just gone over what would happen-"

"I know! That doesn't matter, I mean, it does, well- I can explain things to them, it's just- today's my birthday, Professor! I'm expected, and I'm late!" She began to move towards the door, not giving Snape time to protest, but he stopped her in her tracks by planting his more significant weight stubbornly in place. She fell back, and Snape immediately felt a twinge of regret- or was it satisfaction?- for making the lithe girl stumble onto the floor so ungracefully. She landed at his feet, her back supported by his legs.

"I'll not be going to _any _birthday celebrations in the near future, Miss Granger. If you'd like, I'll have the house elves bake you up a cake and you can eat it on your own time- you look like you need it. In any case-"

"You're a bastard." It was little more than a whisper, but sufficient to gain the cynical man's attention.

"Excuse-?"

"You _heard _me," she said, quite a bit louder. She turned to face her antagonist from her lower tier on the floor, "I cannot _believe _you would keep me cooped up, doing whatever dreary activities you might indulge in, on my eighteenth birthday! It _should_ seem believable, considering, but honestly! You're-"

"That's _quite enough_, Miss Granger." Snape looked angry, stern, horrible in every way Hermione could remember seeing him. She knew she was defeated, and hung her head to study the detail in the carpet. Suddenly, Snape wrapped his hands under her arms and hoisted her to her feet, surprisingly gentle for... well, for _Snape_. "You may make a short appearance at your party, but 'urgent Head Girl business' will call you away within thirty minutes. Am I understood?"

She smiled, "Yes. What of explaining our- _situation_?"

"There will be no need," he said, looking slightly perturbed, "I will fetch the Headmaster's invisibility cloak."

"He has one?!"

"Think about it, Granger- how else would he know quite so much as he does?"

Hermione grinned as she followed her enigmatic Potions Professor out of the latrine.

_Who would've known?_

**Author's notes**: Updating as quick as I can! :) Chapters will get longer!


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